i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
