Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
