you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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