Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
