Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
