looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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