I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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