just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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