He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
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I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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