I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
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So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants