just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
