I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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