my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
