ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
