I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
