I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
