Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
