I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
