At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
