I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
