You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
