She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
