when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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