he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
