Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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