So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
