I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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