Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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