whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
