If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
