i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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