operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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