i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
