Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
