Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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