Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
