i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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