You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
