WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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