You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm passing your future prison.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
