Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
