The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
