I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
