Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Less talking, more tequila
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
