East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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