The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
