Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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