I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
please come you make the beer taste better
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
