I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
