I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
