You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
