I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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