I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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