didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
