I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
