Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
