I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It was confusing and full of hummus
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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