Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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