Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
