Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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